Grief Is A Bitch

Aug 13

I am going to be real and raw with you. Grief is a bitch. Grief is like waves in the ocean. The keep coming and coming. But sometimes the waves are small, while other times it might as well be a tsunami. You may feel over your grief or like you moved through all your grief, and then a smell, a memory, someone’s clothes, or for no apparent reason, here it is again. It sucks. But what it will always do, is become less powerful, less frequent and more manageable over time.

Grief Types

Now what kinds of things do people grieve? You may be surprised that it isn’t all about death and breakups. You can grieve something you hoped for but didn’t get. You can grieve the end of a job or career, moving from an apartment or home to a new city or community. Grief is inherently connected with change. Any kind of change, good or bad, will have grief attached to it, whether you acknowledge it or not.

Things I Am Grieving

I still get sad about my grandmother passing 20 years ago or more now. She was like a second mother. I ugly cry about my angel dog that I had to put down a year ago. Frankly even writing that down makes me want to ugly cry. My dad passed 3 years ago (or has it been less), and that grief is the kind of grief that has anger, resentment and sadness over what I never had (a good father). It took me years and years to move through the grief of my change in careers (and my identity) which was also coupled with a big move and going back to school. There are no rules on how one moves through grief or a time limit on when it will be “over.” Yeah, that sucks.

Stages Of Grief

Many people bring up the stages of grief. It does have value, but it isn’t linear, and you can be at any stage at anytime and even multiple stages at once, reaching acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean you are done greiving. For the record here are the Elisabeth Kübler-Ross stages:

Denial: It’s about not accepting the reality of what happened. It can show up as disbelief, shock and it may not feel real.
Anger: Though anger is a surface level feeling, you will find it showing up at anger toward yourself, the person who died or situation that ended, and others.
Bargaining: You may want to make a deal with a higher power, like take me and bring them back, or I made a mistake, I will do better you can have this in return. You may also feel guilt and regret.
Depression: This stage involves deep sadness, withdrawal, and feelings of hopelessness. The things you used to enjoy may no longer bring you happiness..
Acceptance: You may not feel happy or over the grief, but this stage brings a form of acknowledgement of the loss, and adjusting to a new way of life.

Advice

My biggest piece of advice, feel what you are going through, which may even mean you feel nothing. Don’t judge any of your feelings, they are all valid. Yes, every single one, even when you carry opposite feelings, such as love and hate. Duality in emotions is super normal, though often confusing. There is no right way to grieve. Many don’t cry, that is ok. Many just seem to move on for a while. That is ok. And even more derail, bawling on the ground, feeling such emptiness and sadness that you can’t even describe it.

There are no quick fixes. They key is self-compassion, patience, being ok with however you feel, letting yourself feel it and time. Use art to navigate how you are feeling, as words often just don’t do it justice. I recommend journaling or writing a letter to whomever passed or even an old home you miss. You can burn it, keep it, leave it behind, whatever feels right to you. Sometime it might mean a whole page this is just black, or the word fuck repeated, there is no wrong art.