Radical Self Acceptance
I am Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) informed. This doesn’t make me a expert, but I don’t really want to come at this blog post as an expert. I want to come at it as just a human that struggles to be a human sometimes. I know that some people assume all Therapists have everything together and figured out, I wish that was true. I do feel because I don’t, it allows me to be more empathetic and understanding. I have been through a lot of things, some similar to what you may be going through. Any way, this post isn’t really about me per say. I wanted to talk about Radical Self Acceptance. To me what it means is exactly that, acceptance. It doesn’t mean you have to love every single part of yourself or others. It doesn’t mean that you don’t want to make changes or improvements, it means, basically, giving yourself grace and self love.
The example I have is, well about me, but I feel like it creates a more clear picture. Perhaps I shouldn’t be admitting to my flaws so publicly? Regardless, I struggle with PMDD, for 10 days every single month. I get super depressed, every day things are extra hard or even impossible to do. For a long time (and I mean a long time, decades), I thought I just needed more motivation, I needed to push myself harder. That I could just “mind-over-matter it”, fake it until I made it. I can’t, and that is ok. What I am doing now, well, Radical Self Acceptance. Regarding my PMDD, what that looks like for me is the following for those 10 days:
Using paper plates and disposable utensils, so I have less to clean up.
Ordering take out more, and eating quick pre-made meals, or throw in the oven and eat type things. It also means that maybe, I will just eat jam sandwiches and cereal most days. Feeding is the only goal, however that looks.
I recently asked a friend if they could walk my dog from time to time during this 10 day stretch and she thankfully agreed.
I asked my mom if she can pre-make meals for me, and I’d pay for her time and ingredients
I allow myself to skip dog walks if needed (of course I still take my dog out generally speaking)
I allow myself to cry and move slowly, and even have pity parties.
I sleep a lot, or just lay around.
I play “too much” video games, and watch too much tv.
I shower a bit less often.
I am planning on getting a cleaner that comes at least once mid-week and cleans up.
I forgive myself if I am hard on myself.
The most important part of it all, is that I no longer tell myself to just pull up my boot straps. I expect less from myself. I try hard to not judge myself. I lean into the fact that I can’t do as much and be as much. Am I perfect at doing this? No, but it sure seems to feel a lot better leaning into it, rather than pretending all I needed was more effort on my end. I am doing what I can, I am working with dr’s and specialist to hopefully get this resolved, or at least managed better. But in the meantime, I am cutting myself some slack. I know when it is coming, I prepare for it rather than fight it. Do I love my PMDD, do I think it is a great part of me, no. But, for now and unfortunately for a while, is is just a part of my life. I radically accept that for 10 days of every month this is who I become. I plan and budget for this. I save all my eating out money for this time. I know not everyone can go to this extent. It is about working within you means and allow grace and forgiveness, even for parts of you that you may not like.
This can also work with family member your struggle with, or a boss you don’t get along with. They may change, but lets lean into the fact that they micro manage, that you can’t go to them for advice, or they make you feel small. This may look like finding someone else to lean on, setting boundaries, cutting people out, or even preparing before connecting with them. Knowing they will say something to make you mad, rather than expecting them to suddenly behave differently. For examples…ok, so my mom is def going to piss me off. Let’s prepare for this. When I see her I feel like this, and she usually says this and that, and then I feel like this. So instead, perhaps I avoid a certain subject, I only spend 30 minutes at their house, who knows what it is. But go into things knowing who they are and how they usually react and expect that, prepare for that. I know it isn’t easy. I know it doesn’t always work, because we are human, but that is ok. That is part of it. Being ok with failing, not being perfect. It doesn’t mean you won’t get triggered or have strong feelings ever again. It’s just about setting the right expectations. Knowing what they can give and don’t give, rather than hoping for a 180 in personality change.
I can give a bunch more examples, but I think you get the gist. What can you plan for? What can you give yourself more grace with? Who can you reach out to help with the load? What part of you or others do you dislike, but maybe now realize it requires more Radical Acceptance?
I’d love to post a piece of art I did, but guess what. PMDD…no way am I dong much else than surviving, and that is ok. Art can be hard sometimes. Sometimes I just write the word “FUCK” in a journal. Or draw it over and over. Most times, I do nothing, as that is all I have in me and that is ok.
Be kind to yourself.
